Soulqueen Wanderings

Occasionally, there is a space of deep majic so profound during times of great change, that the coursing's of fear and pain fade simply into stillness. Perhaps the disruption of all things familiar, the unraveling of a course charted by the mere capacity of a mind, allows the perfection of a great mystery to appear.

I was changing linens on table eight at my fun funky little Syracuse Restaurant the other day, when suddenly a great mix of emotion came flooding through me. Gratitude, surprise, grief, joy, passion-all wound around a memory of one majical night in the desert almost a year ago.

At dusk, Keith and i, dressed to the nines, were leaving our house for a date in one of Sedona's most renowned canyons. Kaye had come up from downstairs to watch Beans. As i turned at the back door to say goodnight, my eye caught the boxes and bags around the room, mine and Aleia's things all packed for our morning departure.

As i drove the speedy little Mazda rental away from town and out into the desert night, we were both quiet. Finally after months, maybe years of living with our daughter having open-heart surgery, trying to make a home together and dealing with our respective fears and ghosts-there had come a stillness between us. Not with the intimacy or kindness that i would have hoped for, not without drama and pain, not perfectly-as my sweet, crafty mind would have liked me to believe, and yet still here we were, two radiant beings soaring on the cooling night air.

I think that i remember every moment of that evening with an overflowing heart. Walking under the stone archway, along the garden path to the doorway. Our hands held loosely together, Keith leading the way to the restaurant. Our table was reserved for us in the center of the restaurant, for an "occasion of celebration." Walls of glass darkened with only the contours of the carved red rock contrasted the warm tones of our dining room. We choose a white wine from a vineyard of an acquaintance in Hawaii, a California grape. As the evening became mixed with wine and courses of delicately prepared foods we laughed and shared stories, held hands and sat close in sweet silences.

For the first in a long time of days there was nothing hidden between us-and we were free again to be and share our love together. Perhaps there were moments in which Keith's mind moved to the relationship he had already began with another woman, just as mine would land briefly and with astonishment on the knowing that in the morning i would be driving out across the desert with our three year old daughter into a new life.

We finished our dinner slowly, and i think that as we left the table that night we were the only people left in the world. We could have gotten a room at the hotel there that night, made love and laid in one another's arms until the sun rose, and for some reason Spirit was calling us in a different direction.

Outside in the orchard beyond the restaurant, the cool air pushed down the canyon and against the still warm rocks arching above us. We ran and spun, the spirits dancing with us. Apparently we both preferred the lawn of an upscale Sedona resort as our bathroom, and after not too long we came to a tipi lit by the moon above us.

I had asked Keith to be a part of a divorce, or separation ceremony as i had become clear that our relationship was moving away from what i considered to be a marriage and this would be our last chance for the now of our togetherness. I whispered peace to all relations as i entered the tipi. We sat in plastic lawn chairs rolling tobacco as a deep and serious air moved. between us. How different from the excited frenzy of our wedding day only nine months before.

I don't remember the words that passed between us as we lit our cigarettes and began to share our prayers. As usual for us a mixture of poetry, song, rap and rhythm was spoken from deep within our hearts and into the dark air around us. We sat in a space void of time and place until after the sounds faded into beingness and the slowcall of the world could be heard once again.

Even the drive home that night was fantastic, windows open, skin bare, moonlight, and a friend of the soul beside me. Only after we reached town-old brokedown car to get home somehow, parenthood, other lovers, moving day-did the call of directions different share gentle reminders of the near future's plans.

Blessed blessed blessed-is the path of life.

rEnegade-a dedication

Blessed students of the light-queens, kings, soldiers, faeries, enthusiasts, pessimists, singers, listeners, moaners, mourners, spirits of the trees and stones, sweet black earth-ALL; welcome here. With dreams and desires, afternoons in underware, delicate desserts, and thorny fields of cacti-bring forth your life. Round rock, womb, chalice, bloom, crescent, blood, crimson mud. Aka open, pass with gifts, bring honor, trade bliss, blaspheme, echos, first kiss*